21 Sept 2008
The Seeker Is Addicted To I-I-I
Q: I have some issues with “practice” that I may need some advice from. Since embarking
on the journey of 'self' abidingness if there is such a word, it has been both fun and challenging, tough when I let my attention
slip and slack off about the practice thinking that’s it, and I would fall back a little. The sense of oneness
comes and goes, sometimes I would feel all fear has dissolve for days sometimes even weeks and than I would fall back into
it again.
Prior to the last email I sent you, I was actually suffering from a dip or I would call it a dark
night of the soul - depression, massive anxiety in social environments, etc. I felt totally
alone purely and solely by myself. I felt nowhere to go to and no one to go to [for help] - especially having been a student
of meditation and metaphysical studies I had come to realized I had knew nothing, so it felt like a struggle to unite and
be what I knew. It really felt like my world was falling apart, I wasn't happy at work and my relationships with friends were
a total mess...and spiritually I am not doing well either You know it actually started about 3 years ago when I came
to a halt in my theoretical / philosophical search.
During that time I only held one thing in mind, that I am not my body, mind, nor emotions - and
the world is my projection -and held on to the I AM. I must say it wasn't easy.
But now my external situations and circumstance has improved and I can feel somewhat I am coming
out from the dip, things are 'lighter' but there is one issue that I am still having some problem dealing with...can you help
give some pointers...that is social anxiety!!!...although I had somewhat been much better in comparison to say last year -
the anxiety attack is not that great, but at times it still gets the better of me - in fact
I just experienced one this evening out meeting new people - the thing that gets to me is this, the whole day I would feel
calm and than BANG - it hits me...it doesn't feel good because it depletes me
and I feel less empowered after...it would take a lot more to get back into shape again later.
The question is this, what am I not seeing that is keeping this illusion going - and what can
I do to accelerate my healing?
C: My friend, you have an addiction. A huge addiction. You are addicted to your sense of being
separate, and a person apart from the Seamless Whole. You call this person-entity by the name “I”. In this message
you said “I” – I this I that I-I-I– ! No less than THIRTY times! You claim – in your prior message,
and in this message - to have been looking into this. Your constant reinforcing of that “I” that you are addicted
to as a being apart completely contradicts your assertions. So the first thing to come to see is that YOU ARE AN ADDICT. Addicted
to your false sense of separation. As with any addiction, there is the possibility of a cure through intervention. In this
case the best intervention MIGHT be the time honored method taught by Sri Ramana Maharshi – the inquiry into the nature
of the I, called Atma Vichara, or Self-Inquiry. This is one of a huge number of possibilities and ultimately there is no way
to know if this or any other method of investigation will reduce and eliminate the false belief, the addiction to an I sense,
a believed-in self-center, that selfish clod of complaints that is constantly self-referred and self-reinforced due to a lack
of deep looking.
As Sri Ramana said, “The thought 'who am I?' will
destroy all other thoughts, and like the stick used for stirring the burning pyre, it will itself in the end get destroyed.
Then, there will arise Self-realization.”
The kicker is a he paradox: If there is no person in Reality, if the
“I”: is merely a powerless thought with no ability to fix or change anything, then WHO asks “Who Am I”?
When it comes to that, a deeper insight may indeed follow. The suggestion is to try it. Drop the “self-abidingness”
of focus on I AM and reverse course (since it clearly is NOT working!) and instead, ask that unanswerable question, and only
that - WHO AM I? Refuse to entertain the addiction; exert the intervention.
Listen to this consultation with Lisa, who also had these issues.
https://charliehayes36.tripod.com/lisaw091908.mp3
And stay in touch as the One moves you to. I Love You.
Follow-up - Q: You peeled off my title: Advanced
Spiritual Student,
and a sense of nakedness went through the body as I read your email. I was wondered why there was a sense of fear lurking
just prior to reading you email. Perhaps the trickster didn't want to 'see' itself....I am truly humbled. Who am I? really
for the first time, I can honestly say I Don't Know!!! What falsity who and what has been meditating and researching?? Haha
Who is thinking I am getting it and not? What gets it and what fails??? It feels silly just thinking about it. WHO IS DOING
THE PRACTICE!? I am doing this I am meditating I am practicing I I I the DOER is meditating - I AM PRACTICING I AM, then I
am attached to the idea/feeling I am, but the one who is aware of the feeling of I AM is not the feeling itself??...as
long as there is duality there is bondage? Is that right? I took the word "I am" for that which is - I thought I was following
the instructions repeating I AM and trying to unite the mind and the feeling of it, but what I was really doing is dwelling
on the IDEA but not the true reality of it - the EFFORT itself shows a dual mind, someone trying this and that. When I ask
-Who am I, I do not know. [Am I] just this livingness?
C: "The thought 'who am I?' will destroy all other thoughts, and like the stick used for stirring
the burning pyre, it will itself in the end get destroyed. Then, there will arise Self-realization.”
- Sri Ramana
"Give up all questions except, 'Who Am I'?." - Sri Nisargadatta
JUST DO THAT.
Follow-up- Q: Me again, a question in regards to external events. I can see that events and circumstances
in and of itself has no groundings, no reality. It is the perception that arises from my own field of thought consciousness
that labels it, giving it pain or pleasure. Besides that how else is it not separate from me?
C: I repeat: This time please LISTEN –
C: "The thought 'who am I?' will destroy all other thoughts, and like the stick used for stirring
the burning pyre, it will itself in the end get destroyed. Then, there will arise Self-realization.”
- Sri Ramana
"Give up all questions except, 'Who Am I'?." - Sri Nisargadatta
JUST DO THAT.
__________________________________________________________________________________
